Between Dreams and Despair

Between Dreams and Despair

Night. Desk lamp is on again. The world outside moves ahead in celebrations, promotions, placements and promises while I sit here chasing a dream that never guarantees me anything but hope.

I wonder, sometimes, what it truly means to set aside these years of my life for UPSC. The NCERTs open in front of me feel so familiar, like old friends but also like chains. I watch my friends move on, posting their wins on LinkedIn, achieving dreams, celebrating birthdays I sometimes forget to attend. The contrast hurts,maybe more than I admit.

I can’t remember when the silence started feeling so loud. Days stretch out, notes pile up and the boundaries between morning and night blur. There are moments the fatigue wraps around me, making even small pleasures seem out of reach.

Out there, the world is busy bustling offices, laughter at parties, glowing screens filled with other people’s successes. Here, I sit with my dreams and my doubts. 

It’s strange, isn’t it? If you say you’re tired after running, people nod and smile, proud of your effort. But if you admit to being tired inside, worn thin by constant overthinking, by decisions that only you carry, nobody seems to understand. Suddenly, you’re lazy, not ‘exhausted.’ But I know being mentally exhausted is as valid as any physical strain, if not deeper. If only the silent battles in one’s mind earned the same respect in the world’s eyes.

Joy feels like an old memory. Festivals slip by almost unnoticed. I count chapters, revisions, not moments. Sometimes, even a phone call from home feels like a distraction, and that realization scares me.

This journey is strange, it molds me and breaks me at the same time.

Some nights, I realize that loneliness has actually made me stronger. I can sit with myself, I can listen to my own thoughts, I know patience now, in ways I never did before. Maybe, if I come out of this, I’ll be something sharper a better version of myself.

But honesty it compels me, there are other nights when I just want to give up, when the expectation feels heavier than the books on my desk. I start questioning why I began this, if I’ll ever find the meaning again, or just lose myself somewhere in the silence.

It’s the same fire. Sometimes I sense steel in myself. Sometimes I see only ashes.

I’m beginning to accept that the unpredictability of this exam will never change. But I can change how I live this journey. I’m learning to balance the grind now,I want my preparation to shape me, not swallow me whole.

I’m trying to redefine success: even if I don’t clear this exam, I hope I carry forward the discipline, the knowledge, the new perspectives I’ve fought so hard for.

I’m finding my tribe, fellow aspirants, study groups, even random strangers who share my struggle. We talk, we vent, sometimes we just sit in silence together, and it helps.

I’m caring for my mind and body, sometimes a walk or a song is worth more than another round of revision. Sometimes writing a few lines in this diary saves me from drowning in doubts.

And most of all, I’m trying to remember, UPSC is just a path, not the only path. If life takes me elsewhere, I hope I have enough courage to walk that road with pride.

Maybe, in the end, this prep isn’t just about getting a rank or a uniform. Maybe it’s about meeting yourself- your strength, your fragility, your stubborn hope. This exam pushes me to the edge, but it also shows me what I’m truly made of.

Perhaps the only measure that really matters, after all, is whether I finish this journey more aware, more gentle with myself, still able to smile at small joys.

Because someday, when I look back, I hope I remember not just the struggle or the result but the quiet beauty with which I lived through it all. I know this is just a beginning and I am learning each and every day to survive like a warrior.

  

~CiviScope